You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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