god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
