I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
