Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
