Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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