Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
