True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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