I'm going to jail i love you
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
