I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
