haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
one might say we're banned from that church
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
