im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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