Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
