My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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