She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
