Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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