Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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