why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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