I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
