he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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