if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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