heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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