i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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