duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So vagazzling was a success
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
