Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
