My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
