I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
