i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
