i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
