non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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