just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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