from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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