woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
