Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
