Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
