Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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