Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
