guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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