Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
