She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
