One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
