The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
