Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
