haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
