Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
