Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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