I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
