I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
