she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
