Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
