4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
