My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
