So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
