my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
